Experiment 31 Part 001

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“We killed our gods. Not me personally, of course, but the thousands of us who share this genetic makeup. I’ll bet that you can guess what happened when they fell.”

The man I was addressing glanced around the room, probably trying to figure out what an appropriate response to the particular brand of insanity I was spouting would be. If only it were just that.

“That’s right, nothing. No flash floods, the stars didn’t spontaneously supernova simultaneously, mosquitoes didn’t gain sapience and organize into deadly man-eating plague-swarms, and the world kept hurtling on around the giant flaming ball of gas it had been circling since the beginning of written history. Turns out we were right about that one. It probably would have really sucked if we were wrong.”

He looked like he was getting a bit impatient. This was all a completely necessary prelude to my request though, so I couldn’t exactly skip the information that detailed the scope of what I was dealing with. If only reality were more believable!

“If we had been though, that was before any of us really had any say in our course of action. The blame would lie entirely on the shoulders of the human that held our reigns, who directed us down that long road toward deicide. That’s not to say our accomplishments were not our own; only that we had no alternative. Even death wasn’t an option since at that point our collective powers were directed toward self preservation and god-slaying. We’re still under the effects of that directive. None of us have aged since the order was programmed into us to ‘protect company property’.”

And any wounds suffered would regenerate given enough time, an impossible to overcome immune and poison removal system was generated, and there was the final fail-safe, but that wasn’t really relevant to the now. If I could get a sponsorship, no one would have to worry about that fail-safe activating ever again.

“What happened next you can find from looking through news archives. The results of killing the gods were mixed, considering the complete lack of negative repercussions. The company was dissolved through application of the anti-trust laws, since it was the only one able to produce our genome. Lawyers spun it as the CEO holding a monopoly on we god-killing monsters. It was sort of like hitting a ruthless crime boss with tax evasion charges. No, it was exactly like that. Our creator would actually love that simile. He’s of the ‘I don’t quite care what you do, as long as you do it well’ school of thought. Amazingly brilliant, horribly amoral. It would be for the best if you never met him.”

Best for the world, more likely than not. The last thing anyone needs is that maniacal mechanic misappropriating a new network with which to ‘build better’ again. If even half the things that came up during the hearing were true…

“Anyway, that brings us to now, more or less. I’m here to seek asylum in your pleasant little town, and to try and keep the world from blowing up around me. if possible, I’d appreciate being set up with a small place to call my own, and internet access.”

I wasn’t kidding about that internet access. It was a trait shared by everyone in our experiment group; extremely short attention spans. No doubt that was thought of as a beneficial trait by the mastermind of our existence. Give the potential unstoppable warriors a burning need for new things, so that they ‘of their own free will’ follow the plan outlined by the CEO. ‘Go forth and be awesome’, bah. The endless possibilities inherent to the internet have proven enough to resist the mind-rending call to action thus far, and I intend to keep myself alive as long as possible.

The man tapped his fingers on the armrests of his chair. He looked like he was considering my request at least. He flicked his fingers toward the bodyguards scattered about the room, and they all pulled their guns on me. Oh god. Oh no. I…

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